It’s a unique kind of hell.
I’m currently living with my narcissistic mother, and I’ve gone full Gray Rock. I give her no emotion, no reaction, no conversation.
In theory, this should limit her narcissistic behaviors, and sometimes it does. But paradoxically, my silence seems to turn up the volume on her chaos.
Since she can’t provoke a reaction through words anymore, she’s switched to a physical language of aggression. The abuse now takes the form of hitting, refusing to let me eat, destroying my belongings, and other acts that leave marks.
And yet, in the midst of it, I see moments of vulnerability and fatigue in her. And the longer I stay, the more I learn exactly how to win against someone like her.
Let me explain!
First, why does no contact fail for many?
I once gathered the courage to leave. I got a job, found a place, and walked out the door, convinced the hard part was over.
However, my mother found where I lived and began talking about me with neighbors. She even involved my landlord, trying to get me evicted while portraying herself as the victim and subtly twisting the story to accuse me. Gradually, I found myself dealing with suspicion and a damaged reputation in a place that was supposed to offer a fresh start.
And that experience taught me the first lesson: leaving doesn’t automatically end the harm.
The second lesson was harder to admit: I lacked many basic life skills I was never allowed to develop. I was distracted, hypervigilant, mentally consumed. I struggled to make long-term plans, communicate my needs, manage finances, or make decisions on my own. And instead of focusing on my new life, part of my mind was always bracing for the next disruption.
Soon after, I lost my job for multiple reasons, but the emotional instability played a role.
After that, my mind began to question my decision. I told myself: many people have difficult families and still stay. I wondered: what if one day I get married and need my mother’s support? I even caught myself thinking that maybe I had exaggerated everything.
I went back home, and nothing was different. That repetition forced me to accept that leaving once wasn’t enough. I needed a better plan than just physical escape.
The alternative to disarming the narcissist book: Book core philosophy
I would be lying if I said you could ever truly stop or disarm a narcissist. Just when you think you’ve figured them out, they surprise you with a new level of rudeness and shamelessness. They do everything in their power to hurt you, and they never stop refining their tactics.
I saw my narcissistic mother transform completely whenever she felt threatened or whenever I acted according to my own will.
For that reason, you can’t rely on fixed tactics. Some strategies might work temporarily or inspire you, but the key is to understand their practices and develop your approaches.
I could suggest things like:
- Feeding them misinformation
- Doing what they dislike
- Competing with them
- Damaging their reputation
- Restrict their access to your finances
- Positioning yourself as more important
These may work in the short term, but they could become a tool against you. The narcissist will adapt, and you risk losing yourself in low-quality conflicts rather than improving your life.
That’s why in my book, Vulnerable Narcissist: 22 Signs, 7 Tactics to Regain Control, I follow a subtle philosophy, mirroring the narcissist.
First, you learn how they operate, focusing on the vulnerable narcissist whose behaviors are more insidious than the grandiose type. Then, you begin to anticipate their moves and respond in ways that work for your situation.
At the same time, the 7 tactics I shared in the book can help you manage or limit their impact, but true control comes from combining these tools with your experience and insight.
Read it, experiment, and let me know.
