If you and your siblings struggle to get along as adults, your narcissistic mother is certainly the reason.
She poisons your relationship with your siblings on purpose to stay in control and serve herself.
But how does she create this division? Here’s how she makes it happen.
1. She plays favorites and creates a golden child and a scapegoat
This is where the division begins. A narcissistic mother assigns roles to her children early on. One becomes the golden child, while another becomes the scapegoat.
The golden child receives more praise, attention, and approval. The mother presents them as the most intelligent, successful, responsible, or well-behaved child. She may also use their achievements to make herself look like a good parent.
The scapegoat, on the other hand, receives constant criticism and blame. The mother holds them responsible for family problems, dismisses their feelings, and finds reasons to undermine their achievements.
Even when they do something well, she may minimize their success or shift attention to something they did wrong.
This unequal treatment creates resentment and competition between siblings.
The scapegoat may resent the golden child for receiving special treatment, while the golden child may believe they deserve their privileged position.
In some cases, the golden child may even participate in criticizing the scapegoat to maintain their mother’s approval.
However, neither role reflects a child’s actual worth or character. They are positions created by the mother’s behavior, and she can change them whenever it serves her interests.
2. She compares their achievements and abilities
“Your sister made the honor roll. Why can’t you?” “Your brother never had trouble with this.”
These comparisons are one of a narcissistic mother’s favorite tools. She uses them to make her children compete for her approval.
She compares their grades, careers, income, appearance, relationships, and achievements, picking whatever makes one child look better than another. She also switches measurements whenever it suits her.
For example, if one son buys a house, she may use that achievement to criticize his brother’s marriage.
These comparisons create resentment and insecurity between siblings. Instead of celebrating each other’s achievements, they feel pressured to prove themselves and avoid being seen as the less successful child.
3. She shares private information to create distrust
A narcissistic mother weaponizes confidences to manufacture disagreement and suspicion among her children.
When a child opens up about personal struggles, fears, or sensitive secrets, she rarely protects that vulnerability.
So, she leaks this information to other siblings under the guise of care or worry.
However, she frames it in a way that invites judgment and doubt. She selectively omits context, reinterprets their statements, or hides behind the excuse that she only wants to support the family.
Consequently, siblings become cautious and avoid sharing sensitive details with one another. They end up questioning what has been exposed, how facts were distorted, and how their brothers or sisters view them.
4. She spreads negative stories about one child to another
This is a form of triangulation. She may complain about one child’s attitude, decisions, relationships, or personality, describing them as selfish, irresponsible, jealous, ungrateful, or difficult.
She might also tell one sibling that another has been speaking badly about them or secretly wishes them harm.
Sometimes, she invents stories. Other times, she takes something a child said or did out of context and twists it to make them look bad.
As a result, siblings begin forming opinions about each other based on their mother’s stories rather than their experiences.
They may feel betrayed, resentful, or suspicious of each other without realizing that their mother has been manipulating what they believe about one another.
5. She rewards competition
A narcissistic mother gives special privileges to the child who agrees with her, supports her opinions, or meets her expectations while criticizing another for expressing a different opinion.
She uses even simple family situations to rank them: Who visits more frequently? Who gives more money? Who helps her the most? Who calls her every day?
These differences decide who deserves praise and who deserves criticism.
This teaches them that they must outperform their siblings to earn their mother’s affection. So, they compete to prove who is the better, more devoted, or more deserving child.
As adults, they may continue competing for approval without recognizing that their mother established this habit during childhood.
6. She turns sibling disagreements into major conflicts
A narcissistic mother turns ordinary sibling disagreements into bigger conflicts.
She gets involved and takes sides. Then, she exaggerates what happened, brings up unrelated past arguments, and pushes each child to defend themselves.
She may also provoke one child, then use their reaction to make the other see them as unreasonable or difficult. Even after a disagreement is resolved, she may keep bringing it up to renew resentment and prevent the siblings from moving on.
As a result, minor disagreements turn into lasting family conflicts, making it harder for her children to maintain a healthy relationship.
7. She makes one child responsible for another’s mistakes
A narcissistic mother may blame one child for a sibling’s mistake while defending the child who made it. She may also expect one sibling to apologize, pay for, or fix something they weren’t responsible for.
She may take this further by using one child to punish or control another. For example, she might withhold a privilege from one child while giving it to their sibling.
These behaviors create malice in both directions.
The blamed child resents being punished for someone else’s actions, while the favored child learns to shift blame and avoid responsibility.
8. She encourages siblings to spy on each other
A narcissistic mother wants to know everything.
She may encourage her children to monitor each other’s behavior and report information back to her.
She might ask one child where their sibling went, who they met, how much money they spent, or what they said about the family.
She may also ask them to check social media accounts, share private conversations, or report anything she could use to criticize or confront the other child.
She may present these requests as harmless, claiming she’s worried, wants to protect the family, or simply needs to know what’s happening.
However, this turns siblings into informants rather than people who trust each other. They become hesitant to share personal information because they know it could reach their mother. They may also hide ordinary decisions to avoid having them discussed or criticized.
9. She undermines their relationships through lies and manipulation
A narcissistic mother may undermine her children’s relationships with each other, as well as with their partners, friends, and extended family.
Her goal is to keep her children dependent on her and limit their sources of support.
She may “forget” to pass along messages, arrange family events when one child cannot attend, or falsely claim that one sibling said something negative about another.
She uses these situations to create misunderstandings and turn siblings against each other.
As a result, siblings may avoid each other, argue over things that never happened, or question whether they can trust one another.
And because the manipulation is hidden, they blame each other instead of recognizing what their mother is doing.
10. She discourages siblings from supporting each other
When siblings support each other, they can compare experiences, recognize unfair treatment, and challenge the narcissistic mother’s version of events.
In other words, it reduces her influence and makes it harder for her to control the family narrative.
To prevent this, she may discourage her children from discussing family problems or sharing their experiences. She sets rules about when they can talk or sit together.
She may also label one sibling as the “strong one” who doesn’t need help and the other as the “needy one” who always requires support. This creates distance between them and makes it harder for them to see each other as equals or rely on one another.
Over time, siblings may stop reaching out. They may assume the other doesn’t care or is too busy, while their mother’s narrative fills the silence and keeps them apart.
Conclusion
A narcissistic mother benefits when her children remain divided because they are less likely to question her behavior or challenge her control.
But you don’t have to keep participating in the competition she created.
Stop seeking her approval at your siblings’ expense, refuse to carry messages between family members, and question negative stories you’re told about each other.
The goal is to stop letting your mother’s manipulation dictate how you see, treat, and relate to one another.
You may not be able to repair every sibling relationship, but you can choose not to let her keep driving you apart.
